Two Key Principles of Humor

Humor. Nothing is so effective when used well--or so disastrous when handled badly. Written humor, especially, can land a sale or drive a prospect to your nearest competitor, improve a relationship or invite a lawsuit. No chuckle in the voice or wink of the eye modifies clever words; either the words are funny by themselves or they aren't. Don't try to make strangers laugh this way unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Even if everyone finds your social messages hilarious, the identical approach may crash-land in business communications. When to joke and when to be serious is a question that differs with every office and industry, but there are two principles no humor-minded business writer should forget.

1. Act your age. No office should be full of always-dour faces, but neither should a business be staffed by thirtysomething class clowns. No one trusts the professionalism of someone who hasn't grown up yet. So to make the right impression, keep written jokes fairly low-key; think chuckles rather than belly laughs. Humorous anecdotes, especially true stories, are best; puns are fine if they don't make people groan so loudly as to stop reading. Knock-knock jokes and "cross x with y" riddles are best left to the kids' books. Things not to do include letting humor overpower the real message and slipping in material irrelevant to the main point.

2. Expect whoever reads your material to be ultrasensitive. If you don't know your intended readers, or if you know them only casually, a safe rule is "never make fun of anyone except yourself." This holds doubly true if you're writing to an individual and are tempted to build rapport by needling him; one person's good-natured teasing is another's cutting cruelty. If someone does complain that your joking hit a raw nerve, apologize without excuses, without defensiveness, and--above all--in a dead serious tone. The worst thing you can do is say something along the lines of "Ohhh, a grumbler; shall I send you some free anti-irritability pills?" This amounts to trying to bully someone into a better sense of humor, an approach useful only for making enemies.

Despite these pitfalls, a good laugh can brighten a dull day at work, which guarantees the writer will be remembered favorably. So if you have a gift for humor, by all means put it in writing!

Laugh Break

Since last week's post was on the use of humor in writing, this seems a good time for another post on business writing that evokes laughs it wasn't seeking. Even perfect spelling doesn't always save a sentence from unintentionally hilarious implications:

• "The postponed president's speech has been rescheduled for December 2." (Will he still be a postponed president then?)
• "Our camp is the perfect place to go next time you feel the call of nature." (Maybe the camp's biggest attraction is its restrooms.)
• "Living in our apartments, a dozen bus routes are convenient." (Every bus route needs a home to go to at night.)
• "Our doctors don't misdiagnose medical problems. When they treat you for lung cancer, that's what you die of." (Comforting thought.)
• "When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone." (One from the law-books department. Word has it that the original intent was to kill the bill it was attached to--proving once again the folly of expecting committees to exercise common sense.)
• "The only way we'll ever see the economy pick up is if we can get the economy moving." (Who would have thought of that?)
• "Support space colonization research. One ruined planet isn't enough for the human race." (We all know humans can be destructive and greedy, but why encourage it?)
• "Firings will continue until we see some improvement in attitude around here." (Now that's real motivation.)
• "No drinking allowed on coffee breaks." (Please eat your coffee in powdered form.)
• "Thanks to all our friends and customers. Our business is no longer open." (We really appreciate your freeing us from the trouble of continuing to work every day.)
• "Our initial counseling sessions are free of service." (I think that was supposed to be "free of service charges.")
• "After using the automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." (At least they didn't advise customers to do it in broad daylight.)
• "Get your ears pierced here and we'll give you an extra pair free." (I've heard many people wish for extra arms and eyes, but never ears.)

Smile and have a great week!

A Touch of Laughter

The average child laughs up to 25 times as much as the average adult, who, indeed, is as likely as not to scold giggling youngsters for "being silly." The capacity for hilarity is something most people grow out of once they learn life is full of hard work and disappointment.

It's a shame in more ways than one. Medical research tells us that hearty laughter strengthens the immune system, improves cardiovascular circulation, relaxes tense muscles, and provides many other physical benefits. So if you mix a little humor into your business writing, not only will your contacts like you better for it, but you'll be doing their health a favor.

Beware, however. Being funny is a hard thing to do on command, and not everyone finds the same things laughable. Obscure or offensive humor can be worse than none at all. So when considering how to add chuckles to your writing:

Remember that off-color stories have no place in the business world.

Never make fun of any individual or group. Everyone knows that racial and cultural bigotry are verboten, but prudent writers also avoid jokes that emphasize the presumed failings of mothers-in-law, wives, lawyers, politicians, preachers, and majority groups--or that ostensibly advocate any sort of animal abuse. The idea that choosing a certain vocation or having a married relative automatically makes one impossible or evil is an idea long overdue for a quiet death; and while you have a right to avoid cats if you personally find them repugnant, the ailurophiles among us have a right to be spared the equally repugnant images evoked by "other white meat" remarks.

Never overdo or force humor. Two light remarks per page, or one side-splitter or "groaner" per article, is about right. Since business materials are rarely written purely to entertain, a pun in every paragraph can make readers wonder if you take your main goal seriously. Remember also that a good joke sounds like a natural part of the conversation, not like something plucked at random from the Internet or from a homonym brainstorming exercise.

By now, you may be wondering, "With all these 'don'ts,' what's left?" Probably more than you think. Everyone has some gift for some form of humor, be it puns, exaggeration, deadpan, relevant anecdotes, or simple subtlety. To find where your talent for humor lies, start by noticing when what you say makes your friends or family chuckle.

And remember this almost foolproof principle: A guaranteed laugh-getter is making fun of oneself. While criticizing others makes a person look snide and petty, everybody laughs along with--and respects--someone who admits his own weaknesses. Likewise, the exception to the "don't make fun of groups" rule is the universal foibles of humanity in general ("No one is sure how long the human race has been around, but everyone agrees it is old enough to know better"). 

May the new business your humor attracts leave you laughing all the way to the bank!

Be Careful What You Say

When it comes to the written word, flawless spelling and punctuation aren't always enough to make your business look good. Building on last week's theme of humor in the English language, here are a dozen examples of the potential embarrassment in not thinking through what your words actually say:

1. "Donate to Consignment Retail Shop's quarterly sale and get rid of all those things that just clutter up your home. Bring your family."
2. "Don't let outmoded medical treatments make your health problems worse. Come to Homeopathic Clinic and let us take care of that."
3. "Our vacuum cleaners run so quietly, you'll swear they aren't working at all."
4. "Our West Road franchise will be closing next week. Thanks to all our former loyal customers."
5. "Come to our rifle range. We provide instructors so you can learn to shoot yourself."
6. "Can't get Internet access? Visit our Web site for the solution!"
7. "Our software is completely foolproof and virtually guaranteed never to frustrate you. To further ensure your convenience, we maintain a 24/7 Customer Complaints hotline."
8. "At next Sunday's church service, the pastor will formally announce his resignation, after which the congregation will sing 'Praise the Lord.'"
9. "Fly with our airline and let us worry about the hassles of driving."
10. "Our cars are effectively indestructible and let you hit anything with impunity."
11. "Tinter's Barber Shop prides itself on cultivating long-term customer relationships. We'll cut your hair until you go bald!"
12. "Get away from the crowds at Custom Resort. Reservations must be made at least six weeks in advance."

Just because you're clear on what you mean doesn't mean anyone else is; others can only read your words, not your mind. Never let anything significant to your profits or reputation get out to the public without testing it on at least one person who had no hand in writing it!

Words Are Funny

In honor of vacation season, today's post takes a break from talking about business, and makes time to laugh at the idiosyncracies of the English language.

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why do we send shipments in cars and cargo on ships?
• If your father's wife is your stepmother, why isn't your uncle's wife your stepaunt?
• If she corresponds to he, why don't we have shim and shis to correspond to him and his?
• If the plural of mouse is mice, why isn't hice the plural of house? How does one tell the difference between the singular and the plural of sheep? And what's the singular of trousers?
• If vulnerable and invulnerable are opposites, why do inflammable and flammable mean the same thing?
• Why doesn't overlook mean the same as oversee? And why does quite a lot mean the same as quite a few?
• If "worn-out" clothing is no longer fit to wear, shouldn't brand-new clothing be sold as "worn-in"?
• Why isn't there any egg in an eggplant, or any apple in a pineapple? Where are the rocks in rock candy? Why aren't lead pencils made with lead, and why are tin cans made mostly of steel?
• Why do dogs and people take catnaps?

Take a nap yourself this afternoon, and remember that relaxed minds make for "creativer" writing! (Why doesn't every adjective have one-word comparative and superlative forms??)