Laugh Break

Since last week's post was on the use of humor in writing, this seems a good time for another post on business writing that evokes laughs it wasn't seeking. Even perfect spelling doesn't always save a sentence from unintentionally hilarious implications:

• "The postponed president's speech has been rescheduled for December 2." (Will he still be a postponed president then?)
• "Our camp is the perfect place to go next time you feel the call of nature." (Maybe the camp's biggest attraction is its restrooms.)
• "Living in our apartments, a dozen bus routes are convenient." (Every bus route needs a home to go to at night.)
• "Our doctors don't misdiagnose medical problems. When they treat you for lung cancer, that's what you die of." (Comforting thought.)
• "When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone." (One from the law-books department. Word has it that the original intent was to kill the bill it was attached to--proving once again the folly of expecting committees to exercise common sense.)
• "The only way we'll ever see the economy pick up is if we can get the economy moving." (Who would have thought of that?)
• "Support space colonization research. One ruined planet isn't enough for the human race." (We all know humans can be destructive and greedy, but why encourage it?)
• "Firings will continue until we see some improvement in attitude around here." (Now that's real motivation.)
• "No drinking allowed on coffee breaks." (Please eat your coffee in powdered form.)
• "Thanks to all our friends and customers. Our business is no longer open." (We really appreciate your freeing us from the trouble of continuing to work every day.)
• "Our initial counseling sessions are free of service." (I think that was supposed to be "free of service charges.")
• "After using the automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." (At least they didn't advise customers to do it in broad daylight.)
• "Get your ears pierced here and we'll give you an extra pair free." (I've heard many people wish for extra arms and eyes, but never ears.)

Smile and have a great week!

Be Careful What You Say

When it comes to the written word, flawless spelling and punctuation aren't always enough to make your business look good. Building on last week's theme of humor in the English language, here are a dozen examples of the potential embarrassment in not thinking through what your words actually say:

1. "Donate to Consignment Retail Shop's quarterly sale and get rid of all those things that just clutter up your home. Bring your family."
2. "Don't let outmoded medical treatments make your health problems worse. Come to Homeopathic Clinic and let us take care of that."
3. "Our vacuum cleaners run so quietly, you'll swear they aren't working at all."
4. "Our West Road franchise will be closing next week. Thanks to all our former loyal customers."
5. "Come to our rifle range. We provide instructors so you can learn to shoot yourself."
6. "Can't get Internet access? Visit our Web site for the solution!"
7. "Our software is completely foolproof and virtually guaranteed never to frustrate you. To further ensure your convenience, we maintain a 24/7 Customer Complaints hotline."
8. "At next Sunday's church service, the pastor will formally announce his resignation, after which the congregation will sing 'Praise the Lord.'"
9. "Fly with our airline and let us worry about the hassles of driving."
10. "Our cars are effectively indestructible and let you hit anything with impunity."
11. "Tinter's Barber Shop prides itself on cultivating long-term customer relationships. We'll cut your hair until you go bald!"
12. "Get away from the crowds at Custom Resort. Reservations must be made at least six weeks in advance."

Just because you're clear on what you mean doesn't mean anyone else is; others can only read your words, not your mind. Never let anything significant to your profits or reputation get out to the public without testing it on at least one person who had no hand in writing it!